For awhile now psychologists have been saying that the bonding of baby with mother in the first few minutes of life is vital for the stability of any child and that that bonding through childhood has greater importance than the input the father has at that time. That is not to say his contribution is unimportant. But when the child reaches adolescence the mother's role diminishes relatively and the father becomes vitally important. He helps to affirm his son in his manhood, in a type of informal initiation. The Jewish culture places importance on the Barmitzva, and some cultures have much more horrific forms of initiation. But the father’s role with his daughter is also of greater importance as the adolescent girl develops. She desperately needs to hear from her father that she is attractive and capable. From the lips of some other male it is less believable.
One writer suggests that one of the great struggles of Jesus life grew out of the tension He felt between the love of his mother and the call to be about His Father's business. From the few glimpses we get of Mary in the Gospels, she bears all the marks of a loving and protective mother. After all she had gone through quite a bit to bring that life into the world. Considering the shame and the misunderstanding, considering the circumstances of his conception, she would have been anxious to spare him any scandal. Her feelings of protectiveness were very evident in the mix-up there at the temple in Jerusalem, and what we see coming out is in the classic tradition of a mother's supportive, protective and enveloping love.
The pull of what Jesus spoke of as 'His Father's business' tended to call Jesus beyond the boundaries of his mothers little world of safety and into larger areas of concern. His curiosity about the temple and the traditions of His people represent a sort of pulling away from his mother and a reaching out to bigger things. And of course this was only the beginning of what proved to be some rather frightening things for His mother. On several occasions Mary attempted to intervene and to save Jesus from all this danger, but with no effect and finally her worst fears came true as she saw him executed as a common criminal. A cross was where all this talk about 'His Father's business' had gotten Him, and Mary's heart ended up as the angel had predicted, pierced through by the sword of suffering.
These two forces, His mother's protection and the need to be about His Father's business, were very evident as Jesus' life unfolded and it seems to me that this is the case not just for Him but for all of us. A mother's love stands for that part of us which is concerned about safety and security. And what Jesus called the demands of his Father's business are also a reality in each of us. These are the creative impulses, the pull of curiosity and adventure and growth that beckon us to move out and take risks. The classic roles as the psychologists define them fit with Jesus' experience. If the mother gives life and sustains it, the father calls forth the potential that is there. These two forces that had so much to do with shaping Jesus' personality are forces that interact on all of us. As I think about each of these forces I am overwhelmed by the importance of each. Certainly there is the grey between and there is overlap in some cases. But surely our greatest mistake today is in giving greater value to that creative impulse which belongs to the father. Women should not seek that role but recognize that their role as nurturer is foundational to their children's well being.
So you are thinking if you are a single parent that your kids don't have a chance. Sure it's God ideal for a child to have the security of both parents. But single parents cope best if their children still have contact with and a loving relationship with the other parent. Mothers can offer their child the security they need if they too have a secure and loving relationship with their husbands. But mothers can make it alone but only I believe with the help of God. Billy Graham tells the story of a widow who recognized some special abilities in her son and did everything in her power to give him the best education possible. She grew vegetables, kept chickens, took in washing etc and sent her son to university. With graduation day pending the son gave his mother the invitation to attend. The mother's response was typical: 'I cannot go, I have nothing to wear'. But the son insisted and finally took her to the ceremony in her plain cotton dress. The son tried to take her to sit with his classmates wealthy parents but on this point she won and sat on the far left where she could still get a view. The son delivered his message and was handed his piece of paper and his medal, and with the sound of the exploding applause he went straight over to his mother and pinned the medal on her, saying 'Mother this belongs to you. You earned it'.
This mother had not achieved all that alone. Her faith in Jesus Christ and the values He taught her were her daily strength.
Let us remember that there are no perfect mothers, no perfect fathers, no perfect children but with God at the helm of our lives we can rest peaceful in the security of knowing that we belong securely to the Father, who both mothers and fathers those of us who allow him to.
